APPEAL!

The Newsletter of Brentwood C.C.

OPINIONS EXPRESSED BY INDIVIDUAL CONTRIBUTORS ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF BRENTWOOD CRICKET CLUB OR ITS EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE

ISSUE 30 - SUMMER 1992

Inside this edition:

(Click on any of these links to go directly to the article.)

*FREE For All Captains.....

The Micky Roach

PATENT TEAM-TALK

Well like, no, I reckon like, the side we've got today, we ought to do really well, no, really, look we got old Kevin Crossley/Danny Cocklin/Nicky Farmer* to spin 'em out and Davy Boden/Marky Huxley/Stevie Miller* we ought to get 'em out for about 10, but let's really encourage today, eh? let's really gee each other up and 'elp Philly-boy/Davey-boy/Kenny-boy* out because it rained on Tuesday so that should help our bowlers, er, batsmen, and there's not an 'r' in the month and it's a bit overcast so I reckon we should bat, unless my key goes in the wicket and then I reckon we should er ... well we might lose the toss, but did you watch the Test match, cor blimey, if we can bowl like that today, like whassisname?, Old Whacker Sounness - didn't he play for Liverpool?, anyway, if we can bowl like 'im, really quick he bowled and made it swing, so you gotta rub the ball on yer trousers, that's how they do it that is, you gotta rub the ball really 'ard on yer trousers and then it 'arf don't swing, see that one that got Goochie, I tell ya, I didn't think it was out though, what about Graeme 'ick, 'e's bloody useless, I tell ya what, young Neil Webb could do better than 'im, 'e don't get forward, you gotta move yer feet, you watch old Stevie Hawke, cor 'e don't 'arf give it a whack, if 'e gets in today I reckon we could get 400, thas what we ought to do today, bat first and get 400, well it's only about eight an over, couple of fours, it's possible innit, what do you reckon, no, say if you hit two fours and then a couple of singles well then you've only gotta get six off the next over, I wonder if it's ever been done? someone must 'ave dun it I suppose, mind you, what about the team what got bowled out for 0, cor, imagine that eh, thas what we ought to do today, stick 'em in and bowl 'em out for 0, all be home by teatime, I wonder what the teas like 'ere, that one the other week, there were sandwiches, cakes, cups of tea, where was that? oh yeah, everywhere, never mind, I had that Don Bradman in the back of the cab last week.....

* delete as applicable

APPEAL EDITORIAL

LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND A CRICKET WEEK.

Charged with being a manic depressive at the weekend after an exceptionally wearisome week, Lat's gives weight to the accusation as he looks back at his birthday and forward to the cricket week.

At around the time when birthdays stop being confirmation of youth, and instead begin to mark its inexorable passing, you start to lose the excitement you once had for them, and instead observe them with the trepidation they deserve.

They are, after all, mere confirmation of another grain through the hour-glass of life; harbingers of those unpleasantries to come - grey hair; baldness; arthritis; impotence and umpiring.

From my three score years and ten I have just two score and four left. As one cannot safely suppose that the last half score won't be spent lame, incontinent, and experienced only through an ethereal dementia, one must plan the remaining 34 years well. A new career; a half-century; a novel perhaps; a family; a new thigh pad - yes, oh yes, but in what order?

Past the opening loops of the rollercoaster, excited but scared half-shitless, you loosen your grip on the safety bar; another twist and you fling out your arms for the extra thrill. Growing accustomed to the twists and turns you realise that the rules of the park only entitle you to one ride; it's not that you want to get off, but you just wish you could control the bloody thing.

So there it is. Lat's philosophy on life in a few short paragraphs - and all I wanted to do was mention my birthday the other day. At the moment I am still celebrating birthdays. I suppose the denial stage comes next, no doubt I'll try and write about that one too.

Funny how your birthdays change really; over indulgence in Smartie decorated chocolate cake and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey becomes 'consume vast quantities of lager' and 'get-the-bra-off-the-stripper'.

Not that I had much success with the last one - and now it transpires that for the bird to get her tits out only required another measly ten quid - you tight bunch of bastards!

For those of you who don't know, I am referring to my birthday celebrations at the Club last Thursday which followed a typical format - drunken Cricket Club evening are nothing if not predictable.

I should also take this opportunity to publicly thank Pat, Tina and Lisa for their sterling efforts, and also to apologise to Vag, sorry, Valerie, and the whole of the Brentwood Operatic Society for disrupting their practice evening (although I must say, it was the most harmonious rendition of 'Happy Birthday' I have ever heard).

As I recently disclosed, of the most drunken occasions in my life, that probably rated in the top ten (although somewhere below the Mobil Matchplay final, 1989), and I am not looking forward to seeing Malcolm's video of the evening which he is threatening to show at the Club at the weekend.

Once again, many thanks to everyone who was there, I hope you had as enjoyable evening as the one I vaguely remember having.

If I sound reluctant to turn 26, then the newsletter has certainly been reluctant to turn 30. Issue 29 came out with the pre-season mailing, but since then ... nothing. My apologies to those of you who aren't sighing with relief, but when I'm playing all weekend I don't seem to get the time (feeble excuse, I know).

This edition should coincide with our first cricket week since the centenary, which I hope will be given the support it deserves. We plan to get the week off to an impressive start as Malcolm Webb, in Olympic fashion, will be cover driving a flaming cricket ball into a petrol filled bowl to light the cricket week flame. (If he hasn't managed it by Thursday Neil Johnson will have to do the honours with an escargot flambé).

The cricket week might be a welcome distraction from the current concerns of league cricket. What began as a highly promising season, is slowly turning to disappointment.

This has not been an easy year. At the start of the season we had an unprecedented number of players available and this brought its own problems. Players accustomed to playing 1st or 2nd eleven cricket found themselves two sides lower, or even, in some cases, without a game at all.

I a bid to give everyone a game we even fielded five sides one Saturday - previously unheard of. It is perhaps indicative of our luck that all matches were rained off that day.

To add to the problem, we seem to have an inordinate number of batsmen in the Club at the moment - no doubt bowlers have been warded off by the placidity of our wickets - and the extreme competition for places has no doubt led to a certain lack of confidence that has perhaps been reflected in some of our results.

Fate, too, had played a cruel hand, with injury robbing the first XI of its County professional and its Captain. With eight weeks of the season remaining it is unlikely that they have played their last matches this year, but their return may come too late to halt our current slow descent into the lower half of the table.

Craig Waddell, our typical hard-drinking, happy-go-lucky Australian went home a few weeks ago which, given that we had a choice of overseas players at the start of the season, was more than a little disappointing. Disappointing too was the attitude of Tom Davey. Last season Tom looked our brightest young hope. This year we nurtured him through his back injury, virtually ignored his non-payment of subs, but still, without warning nor reason he decided not to play his cricket here.

Apart from that, the summer holidays have eased some of our selection worries, and perhaps as we return to some sort of normality, we can begin to concentrate on enjoying our cricket a little more.

We could also do with showing some of the character that England displayed at Headingley last week. Neil Mallender should be a perfect example for Bode's in showing that there are openings for bowlers in the top flight no matter how ugly you are! After taking his eight wickets Mallender's face was a picture - a Picasso, I think. (I don't mean it Bode's, but Lisa made me say it for throwing her cake in my face!)

Dave Boden

So the message is enjoy your cricket. The summer is too short but too many of us seem afflicted by something that might one day be called 'The Cantor Syndrome'.

I suppose that the problem with weekends is that they are mere confirmation of another grain through the hour glass of life, harbingers of wintery days to come. Past the first loops of the rollercoaster........

HAVING A DIG

After much debate and discussion, work on the square will begin at the end of this season. Lat's answers some of your questions...

1. Why do we need to re-lay the square?

For several seasons now, we have complained about the lack of pace and bounce in the wicket. According to a report by Stuart Kerrison, the Essex County groundsman, this is due to 'layering' in the soil brought about by the different methods of maintaining the wickets over the course of many years. For the same reason, as the wickets are dressed with top-soil from season to season, the table has become raised which is why we now have the steep slopes at each end.

2. Who will do the work?

On the advice of Stuart Kerrison, we will not be calling in outside contractors. With Stuart's advice and guidance, most of the work will be done by our own groundsman, perhaps with the help of some Club members.

3. Who will oversee the work from the Club's point of view?

A sub-committee has recently been formed to cover every aspect from planning to financing. On the committee are Jon Coote, Bernard Potter, Kevin Crossley, Mark Severn, and myself.

4. How long will the work take?

It is planned that the entire square will be relaid over the course of three years. At present we have twelve strips on the table, so four will be dug up each year with the work being finished towards the end of 1994.

5. How much will it cost?

At present we have no firm figure, but it is estimated that to re-lay four strips will cost in the region of £5,000. As a guide, the sub-committee are working on a total figure of £20,000 over the three-year period.

6. How will we pay for it? Does this mean huge increases in subscriptions?

No. It is hoped that most of the cost can be raised through corporate sponsorship; grants from organisations such as The Sports Council and The Lords Taverners, and also from those with a vested interest in the ground, such as the CCC, the Essex League and the County. Also, we are near paying off existing loans to the Pavilion development, which will ease some of the financial burden on the Club.

7. Surely the Club is going to ask the membership to put their hands in their pockets at some stage?

Yes, but only as a voluntary gesture. It is Club members who will benefit most from improvements to the facilities, and therefore it is hoped you will support the sub-committee's fund-raising efforts. If you, or your company, wishes to make a donation then details will be made available later. For now, ensure that you enter the football card competition after home games, support the cricket week, and sign up for the 50/50 Club (details from Jon Coote).

8. Is there not a cheaper way of improving the square?

There are short-cuts we could take to save money, but in the long run they would prove a false economy. For about £4,000 the square could be Vertidrained (a method of deep spiking to break up the compaction and layering) but the effects would only last for about four years and it would not be a effective in levelling the table.

9. Are we not just paying the price for poor groundsmanship over recent years?

No. The problems are with a square that is well over a hundred years old. In his report Stuart Kerrison concludes that there is little that can be done with the square in its present condition.

10. Will we be able to use the square next year?

We will not be able to use the newly laid strips next season, which is the reason for spreading the work over three seasons. It is envisaged that we will be able to play all our weekend fixtures on the eight untouched strips, although we will be unable to host outside matches or play much mid-week cricket.

11. Will we increase the size of the square at the same time?

We are considering increasing the size of the square by perhaps a strip each end, however, this will mean encroaching on the hockey pitches as they stand and we will need to agree any major changes with the Hockey Club.

12. When will the work begin?

The first four strips will be dug up on the Monday after the last weekend of the season.

The ... Ken Hobbs Skippers Dressing Room Pep-Talk Er, right lads, we're batting...

WHAT THE REPORT SAID...

Below is the pitch report from Stuart Kerrison, the Essex Groundsman, recently commissioned by the committee.

The lack of pace and bounce on the square can probably be attributed to layering in the top 4 to 6 inches at least. This layering will also be the cause of the grass dying off during the summer due to lack of root penetration. As the layering creates root blocks which the roots cannot break through, the roots spread sideways instead of downwards creating a spongy layer of thatch just below the surface. The layering has built up over the years due to different methods of maintenance and there is not really any quick and easy solution to the problem. Deep spiking (Vertidrain) will improve root growth and penetration but will not get rid of the layering to any real degree. The best solution for your square is to dig up the pitches to a depth of at least 4 inches, but 6 inches is recommended. Th dug out pitch can then be filled with a suitable loam with a clay content of between 28-30%, e.g., Surrey, Essex or Mendip loam, or a mix of two. This will bring a uniformity to the pitches which, coupled with regular spiking, will encourage a good rooting system. The other benefit of digging up the pitches is that the saucer effect will be lost.

After a pitch has been dug up and allowed to settle for a season, you should get around 25 years play after which the standard will begin to decline again.

BEN COCKLIN Slags off, oops, I mean interviews his best mate, DANNY HAZLE

Where were you born?

A place in Memphis, Tennessee called Gracelands.

What do you say when you pull a bird in Hollywoods?

Fancy coming back to my Penthouse in my Testarossa?

Favourite Recreation?

Shagging, fighting and E's. (Editor's note; presumably food-additives)

Favourite film?

Rocky 1,2,3,4 & 5. I was the star in them.

Home?

I have a 26 bedroom detached house in Mayfair, a 38 bed mansion in Norfolk, a palace in Long Beach, USA, and 45 other properties around the world.

Cars?

I have 19 Testarossas, 74 Porsches, 200 Lamborghinis and 178 Lotuses.

How many girls have you slept with?

14,782* and they have all been top models. I'm meant to be taking the Queen Mum out next week, and I'll probably get a BJ off her.

Best friend?

Either Arnie, Sly, Dolphie, Crusey, Cossy or Madonna. But I only ever speak to celebs.

Person you'd most like to meet?

No-one. I've met everyone.

Best bowler in the Club?

That big nosed bloke who lives in Mayfield Gardens. (Editors note; Phil actually moved out several years ago).

Fave Restaurant?

The Ritz in Paris. I'm supposed to be meeting Nobby Stiles there tomorrow.

Nobby Stiles the ex-England football international?

No. Nobby Stiles the film director. His real name's Richard Attenborough.

If you were going to buy a Peugeot 205 would you buy one with a bit of poke in it, rather than one with just a crappy picture of a crocodile on the back?

Yes, only someone really unfashionable would buy a heap of crap like that.

If a cheeky editor of a wanky newsletter persistently rubbished one of your oldest mates (who would, after all, lie in court for you) what would you do?

I'd put a baseball bat round his rather large nose!

* Correct at time of going to print