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Brentwood CC > BCC Archives > 2003 > Quiz - Are you a Club Man?

The Brentwood CC 'Club Man' Quiz

Are you a Club Man?

Answer these 11 simple questions to find out whether you pull your weight or if you're a useless lump of dead wood not fit to hang a jockstrap on. (This quiz was conceived by Paul Lattimore and first appeared in Brentwood CC's original newsletter, the Appeal!, Issue 27 dated January 1992.)

  1. You're playing at home. Do you...

    1. Drive to South Woodford, realise your mistake and manage to return to Brentwood in time.
    2. Arrive at the ground an hour before the match and help to put out boundary markers etc. before limbering up for the game.
    3. Turn up at five to two with a dreadful hangover, chunder in the toilet, and then complain that the skipper's lost the toss again.

  2. Your subscription is due. Do you...

    1. Send a cheque to the treasurer as soon as you can afford to, enclosing a note to say that you would go to any lengths to please him further, including sexual fantasy role-playing.
    2. Take advantage of the Club's direct-debit scheme.
Leave it until you are no longer selected to play and then bugger off to another club with £60 in your bin.

  • The President asks you to play in his Bank Holiday Monday match. Do you...

    		• Give him a blow job.
  • Say that you'd be delighted to play and suggest that he might consider smoking a little less.
  • Tell him to piss-off because B&Q have got a half-price sale on that day and you're going to convert the left.

  • After the match. Do you...

    1. Rush home before it gets dark so that your wife can bowl to you in the back garden.
    2. Spend some time in the bar chatting convivially to colleagues and opposition, thus helping the Development fund through increased bar profit.
    		• Get down Hollands for a skinful because Gazza was in there once and it's much more in keeping with your image.

  • At the AGM no volunteer can be found for ground manager. Do you...

    1. Explain that, due to constraints on your time, you would take on the job if you could be genetically cloned.
    2. Explain that although you feel you could not take on the job fully, you would be prepared to help out in whatever way you could.
    3. Nominate some soppy bastard who isn't there and hope he gets stuck with it.

  • You are facing the final delivery in the final league match. Brentwood need four runs to win, while you require only a not-out score to finish top of the league averages. Do you...

    1. Strip naked in the hope that it might shock the bowler into bowling you a bad ball.
    2. Swing heartily without a thought for your average in an attempt to win the game.
    3. Take no chances and retire hurt so that you can have the league averages framed and hung on your wall.

  • You have a string of games to play in Kent. Do you...

    1. Attempt to build a team bus out of Meccano.
    2. Help arrange a rota system so that a different person drives each week.
    3. Pretend that your car has failed its MOT so you can have a good drink after the game and sit in the back of someone elses car so you don't get stung for change in the tunnel.

  • The Club arranges a mid-season disco. Do you...

    1. Parade in the High Street dressed as Olivia Newton-John in an effort to publicise the event.
    2. Buy two tickets and invite a friend.
    		• Wait until the pubs shut before gate-crashing in the hope of a late drink, a free meal and a possible leg-over.

  • Towards the end of a long evening you vomit in the bar. Do you...

    1. Highlight the plight of thousands of starving people by re-eating it.
    2. Clear it up as best you can and write a letter of apology.
    3. Take the chance to vomit over a member of the selection committee.

  • You are captain of the Sunday 1st team. With one over of the match left the opposition require 6 runs while you require only one wicket. Do you...

    1. Bring on Rob Coote.
    2. Bring on Rob Coote.
    3. Bring on Rob Coote.

  • You discover that someone has put together a web site for the Club. Do you...

    1. Volunteer to install a web-cam in the matrimonial bedroom in an effort to attract visitors to the site.
    2. Offer some constructive comments on what could be done to improve the site, write a short article and submit your member profile.
    3. Slag off the bloke who is working on the site in his own time, demanding to know when he's going to publish something funny, and have a go at someone in the Club you don't like by anonymously posting an abusive message on the message board.


    • Shepherd Neame League Premier Division Champions 2009/2010/2011